OMG! My Partner Refuses To Do Coaching!
This questions comes up a lot. Being honest, it makes perfect sense when it does. While I am not a fan of people just "wishing their issues away" and doing nothing. Being "help avoident" actually has core root cause to it in my experience.
There are several factors that can make people avoid relationship coaching or seeking outside help for their relationship issues. Here are some common reasons:
Stigma and Shame: There is still a certain stigma attached to seeking help for relationship problems. Some individuals may feel embarrassed or ashamed about needing assistance, as they perceive it as an admission of failure or weakness. This societal pressure and fear of judgment can deter people from seeking relationship coaching.
Fear of Confronting Issues: Relationship coaching requires individuals to confront and address underlying issues within the relationship. This process can be uncomfortable and emotionally challenging. Some individuals may prefer to avoid or suppress these issues rather than facing them head-on.
Desire to Handle Issues Independently: People often believe they should be able to solve their relationship problems on their own. They may view seeking outside help as a sign of dependence or an intrusion into their private lives. This desire for independence and self-reliance can lead individuals to avoid relationship coaching.
Misconceptions and Mistrust: There are misconceptions about relationship coaching, such as the idea that it is only for couples in crisis or on the brink of divorce. Some individuals may view coaching as ineffective or perceive it as a last resort. This skepticism and lack of trust in the coaching process can deter them from seeking help.
Financial Constraints: Relationship coaching or therapy can be a financial investment. Some individuals may avoid seeking help due to concerns about the cost involved or a lack of financial resources to afford ongoing sessions. Financial constraints can limit access to relationship coaching services.
Fear of Change: Relationship coaching often involves exploring personal patterns, challenging beliefs, and making changes to behaviors or communication styles. Fear of change and the uncertainty it brings can make people resistant to seeking help. They may prefer to stay within their comfort zones, even if the relationship is struggling.
Denial or Minimization of Problems: Some individuals may deny or downplay the severity of their relationship issues. They may believe that the problems will resolve themselves over time or that seeking help is unnecessary. This denial or minimization of problems can prevent individuals from acknowledging the need for coaching.
Lack of Awareness or Knowledge: Some people may simply be unaware of the benefits and potential impact of relationship coaching. They may not have been exposed to information about coaching or therapy, limiting their understanding of how it can positively influence their relationships.
They Have Checked Out: There are time where people havealreadychecked out and feel there is no need to now check this box. They have concluded the matter within themselves that this is the path they are taking and they do not want thier mind attempting to be changed. This can be emotionally, physically, mentally and financially.
All of the above reasons (in my opinion) are valid at least to the hesitent partner. It's important to address these factors sensitively and provide education and reassurance about the benefits of relationship coaching. By normalizing seeking help and promoting open dialogue about relationship challenges, individuals may become more willing to overcome their reservations and seek the assistance they need to strengthen their relationships.
What can I do to help my partner Coach?
When one person in a troubled relationship is resistant to seeking coaching or outside help, it can create an impasse. However, there are still steps you can take to address the situation and work towards resolution. Here are some suggestions:
1. Express Your Concerns: Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about your concerns regarding the relationship. Clearly articulate how you feel and why you believe seeking coaching or outside help could be beneficial. Use "I" statements to express your perspective without blaming or criticizing your partner.
2. Highlight the Benefits: Emphasize the potential benefits of seeking coaching or outside assistance. Explain how it can provide a neutral and supportive environment to explore and address the challenges within the relationship. Share success stories of couples who have benefited from professional guidance.
3. Normalize Seeking Help: Discuss how seeking help is not a sign of weakness or failure but rather a proactive step towards improving the relationship. Normalize the idea that many couples go through challenging periods and seek assistance to strengthen their bond.
4. Offer to Lead by Example: If your partner is hesitant to seek help, consider offering to initiate the process yourself. You can attend therapy or coaching sessions individually to work on personal growth and gain insights that may positively impact the relationship. Demonstrating your commitment to personal development might encourage your partner to reconsider seeking assistance as well.
5. Suggest Alternative Approaches: If your partner is resistant to traditional coaching or therapy, explore alternative options. For example, you could recommend attending workshops, reading self-help books together, or listening to relationship podcasts. These alternatives might be more appealing to your partner while still providing valuable insights and tools.
6. Seek Support for Yourself: If your partner remains unwilling to seek help, consider seeking support for yourself. Individual therapy or counseling can provide you with guidance, coping strategies, and an opportunity to work through your own emotions and concerns related to the relationship.
7. Set Boundaries and Self-Care: Take care of yourself during this challenging period. Set clear boundaries regarding what you are willing to tolerate in the relationship and prioritize your own well-being. Focus on self-care activities that help you manage stress and maintain a sense of balance.
8. Revisit the Conversation: Over time, gently revisit the conversation about seeking help. Be patient and understanding, as your partner's resistance may be rooted in fear or discomfort. Continually express your commitment to the relationship and your belief that outside help can contribute to its growth and happiness.
9. State What Is On The Line: The inability to get help has long lasting effects. No one in a relationship can heal if an apparent wound is open, not addressed or never attended to. Being vulnerable is key as this is not a moment to attack your partner. It is an oppertunnity to create a narrative to help them to see that you two have tried and are struggling to move forward.
Remember, change and progress in a relationship often require the willingness of both partners. If your partner remains steadfast in their resistance, it may be necessary to evaluate whether the relationship can evolve without professional assistance and whether it meets your own needs and aspirations for a fulfilling partnership.
It is a huge decision so take your time, deep breath, exhale and choose wisely.
I Am Coach Kenn!